I scare easily. And my biggest baddest fear is that I’m afraid to lose a loved one and/or die myself. Basically I’m scared of death. Ever since I became a mom that fear has reached a whole new level.
Letting the fear in
Sometimes I let that fear in. The other day, I was taking the husband to the hospital for minor surgery. Everything went well. No need to worry about anything at all. Rationally speaking.
But sure enough, waking up on “the” day, I felt a stomachache. I felt down and sad and clingy.
My kids were starting to feel a little sad, too, when there was no reason for them to feel that way.
Judging the fear
Dealing with this feeling of “what if…death” has always been a very overwhelming fear for me. It could stop me in my tracks. I would push it away, condemning it. Judging myself. Giving myself all sorts of talks: “don’t overreact, it’s no big deal, you’re exaggerating, drama-queen, stop it!, here we go again, sigh, I feel so saaaad while I shouldn’t, look at everything I have right here, right now….”
Fighting this feeling hasn’t ever helped me. What it has done is cost a lot of energy. A beautiful quote that illustrates this, is:
Worry is a misuse of your imagination.
Not my reality
Because honestly, my imagination goes wild if I let it. It goes wild when it comes to feeling the fear. I imagine the sadness, the funeral, the daily life, the loss, the impact, and all the horrible things that come along with death. And all the while these feelings and thoughts are not my truth, they are not my reality.
That realization should make me feel relieved and blessed and lucky and happy. Instead I get caught up and feel depressed for something that isn’t real for me here and now.
The more I push this fear away, the more it comes back, the bigger it becomes, the more room it wants to claim.
A very powerful tool I’ve learned in my coachtraining
is acknowlegdement. That sounds wierd, right. Is that even a tool? How is that helpful?
Well, let me explain.
My natural reaction to fear is to push it away, which results in it wanting to come back. Thus making me fight it. I don’t want to live in fear. Truth is, I feel fear. But I don’t want to. Yet, it’s there. I can’t unfeel it.
Relief sets in when I acknowlegde it.
How does the tool work?
So, I was driving back home, after having dropped the husband off at the hospital. I felt the fear. And decided to acknowlegde it. Let a few tears roll down my cheek. Then I heard my daughter asking me from the back seat: “Mom, why are you saying it’s ok?”
Without realising it, I had been speaking out loud to myself. I was telling my fear: it’s ok you’re here. Being a little scared is ok. It’s ok to feel scared of losing a loved one. Everything is ok.
True, the fear doesn’t go away instantly. I sometimes have te repeat “it’s ok” 20 or 50 times, until I really FEEL it, until I FEEL it’s absolutely, 100% OK to feel the fear. But when I do, there’s relief.
In that moment in the car, I gave my fear room to be. It was ok to feel scared. I didn’t fight it. The tears came. And then they went. I felt until I didn’t feel anymore. Then I dried my tears, let my mind tell me how minor the procedure is and drove home safely.
A little more acknowledgement
Somehow I’ve naturally been making this whole acknowledgement-thing my new habit. The less I fight with myself, the more I do what’s right for me in the moment that is right for me. When I allow everything to just be, fears don’t take on monstrous forms hijacking my life.
Thus letting me move along and do what I do best: coaching the hell out of my clients ;).
Up for a little more acknowledgement and a little less overwhelming fear in your life? Shoot me a message
& we’ll get working on it.
Everything is a choice.