My whole life I’ve tried to fit in.
To blend in.
Due to all the moving around I had to start over many times. And for me, starting over was easiest when I tried to fit in as best as I could.
Paying attention to details and taking on the habits, the opinions, the actions of the new group. I learned a lot doing that. And I enjoyed doing that. But I also realize now, that it was the easiest thing to do. No need to figure out what MY habit was, what MY opinion was, what MY action would be.
I hid behind the group I wanted to be a part of.
Shame and invisibility
With the fitting in came a sense of shame, not feeling good enough. Since I had to assess the ‘way it’s done here’ and acclimate myself to that, there was no time to be me. And whenever I had to be me, I would feel ‘not good enough’ or ‘too different’ and therefor: shame. Hardly ever did I feel pride. Pride of where I came from, what I had to offer, who I was.
The result now is that I sometimes still have to ask myself who I really am. What I really want. Independent of others.
Every time we moved to a new home, I had to make new friends and fit in with a new group, culture. So I have since made it my strength to focus on others. People love attention. People love talking about themselves being heard and seen. Giving people the space they love, took the attention away from me, made me invisible at times.
The story I’m telling myself…
The story I used to tell myself is I function best one on one. In those settings I get the chance to really connect, make friends. I make myself ‘needed’ because of the way I lend an ear when someone is sad, feeling bad or depressed. The downside of that story is that I believed the opposite to be true as well: ‘I don’t do well in groups.’
Exactly this one-on-one makes me so good at my job: when coaching, it’s not about me. My client has all the answers in him/her. I stand for their greatness and can 100% accept and see that there are no right or wrong answers.
But this story also keeps giving me an escape. I don’t have to show me for me. It’s ok and necessary not to talk about me.
No need to have an opinion, teach or advise. I’ve not learned to be me. And I feel as if the search for me is ongoing. Making myself more visible for the sake of my business makes me have to shift my focus to me. It makes me have to dare to let go of the urge to fit in. The urge to blend in. To see what others are doing and doing the same.
Courage to be vulnerable
All the while, I thought fitting in was the best thing I could possibly do. And along comes Mrs. Brené Brown
telling me: “nope. wrong.” In the “Call to Courage”
(@Netflix) we learn that fitting in is the opposite of belonging. I need to belong to myself first. Speak my truth, tell my story.
‘Belonging’ requires me to be who I am. To feel at home within myself. Being ok with whatever comes up for me. No matter if it makes me stand out or fit in. The feeling deep inside myself that I am doing what I want to do, need to do and love to do is what I need to look for. Feeling ok with it all. Even if it’s uneasy at first, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Watching the documentary I was touched deeply. By the humor with which Brené Brown takes the stage. The truth of her words. Because, to belong is all I ever really wanted. All anyone ever really wants. That means being vulnerable. Which means doing the work.
From now on…
There will not be a built in self-escape anymore. I’m going to show myself more. Speaking my truth and feeling joy along the way will be what I do. And when I don’t know what my truth or my story is, that will be my story. Because I know I can rewrite my story, the way I perceive myself, at any and every moment.
How will I get there?
Consciousness coaching®, giving and receiving it, will help me with that. Doing what I’m good at and visiting my own coach, will allow the clarity of who I am to increase.
While this is an ongoing process for all of us, the basics for me are:
*taking time to feel
what is right,
the best possible route to get there
That is why I focus on feel, imagine, create in my coaching. Why I offer consciousness coaching ®
, taking your mind, body and intuition into account. It is why I believe everything is a choice.
We all have the power to act, to tell ourselves a new story.
We deserve to be here as us and no one else. No need to fit in. Because we’re exactly right just the way we are. We belong. You belong. I belong.
Want to experience creating this belonging for yourself? Book your intake here
Everything is a choice.