Breakdown

Why am I feeling so low? Am I having a breakdown? What do need to move through this breakdown? Is there something I need to see? What will it bring me?

Magic wand

These and other thoughts have been going through my mind for the last couple of days. I’ve come to realise that I’m currently in the middle of a breakdown. Actually, I’m in the middle of resisting a breakdown. I feel shitty and empty and as if I’ve lost my sense of direction.
Ever since I’ve been ‘waiting’ for the date of my oral exam and then passing it, I’m lost. As if recieving my diploma would work as a magic wand transforming me into a whole new person/coach. I’m in the transformation business, I should know this is not quite how it works… 😉

The way I feel now, is not how I want to feel AT ALL. There is no real reason for me to feel this way. The sun is finally shining again, my kids are doing great and feeling good, I have a nice life and my Consciousness coaching diploma is in the pocket. So, what’s up? I honestly feel like crying all the time, why? Why am I alienating my husband? What if I just change my context, set a commitment and GET INTO ACTION? Why does it seem impossible to do what I know works? It seems, I forget to acknowledge what “is”. I forget to take a look at myself and acknowledge the feelings, the situation and the name of the ‘problem’:

I’m having a breakdown. And I am not ok with that.

Judgement

I hear myself judging me for feeling the way I am. Whilst in the middle of experiencing all this heavy sadness, the best thing I can come up with is giving myself a hard time because of it. Now that I look at what I am doing to me, subconsciously, I see that the last thing that will help me out is self-judgement.

How to overcome the breakdown?

What I need is

  • space
  • to let it out
  • self-love to be ok with what is
  • to share
  • Even though I don’t feel like any of the above,
    I know that only doing all of the above will eventually help.

    Space will allow me to take care of myself, look at all I’m feeling, breathe and let it out. Self-love will take away the judgement, help me focus on gratitude and on myself: on who I am deep down. And the hardest one of all: sharing. We all go through rough times, for good reason or no reason at all. It doesn’t matter. What matters is: everyone can relate to some extent. And finding out there are more people feeling ‘meh:(‘ today [whatever ‘meh:(‘ may mean] helps.

    Love is all around

    Realising you have friends who’ll reach out and show you they’re here for you is heartwarming. Hearing a newly found friend say: “You don’t have to do everything by yourself!” moves me. Finding out that alienating my hubby hurts him just as much as it hurts me, shows that love is all around me. Even my children were more affectionate towards me in these past days. I just decided not to see it anymore. I was resisting my feelings so much, that I closed myself off completely.

    Rock bottom

    The second I got this issue out in the open by sharing and wroting this blog, I looked at the clock. It said 11:11. Somehow that comforted me. It means it’s going to be fine. Or that’s what I choose to think it means. Everything will be allright in the end. And you know what? If it’s not alright, it’s not the end. Never did that feel more true than now. It’s not quite the end yet. I haven’t reached rock bottom… whoopwhoop. What an exciting prospect.

    But I’m taking the steps: giving myself space, love and allowing to receive what comes from sharing. So far that’s been quite a lot. A lot of tears, a lot of shitty feelings, a lot of gratitude, and a lot of love. <3

    Everything is gonna be alright. For me and for you. Feel like sharing? Contact me here.

    Everything is a choice.